'Til Death Do Us Part...

20 years together, more than 16 married...
So many times I have thought...
it cannot get any worse, can it? 
So many times I have wondered... 
how do we get through this, how do we make this work for us and our babies. 
Never has this been more true than right now, today, right here. 
As our lives are no longer lived together.
A while ago we found ourselves in a tough financial position, and when opportunity arose to 'fix it', and to boost Hubby's career at the same time we jumped in, feet first, without truly understanding the depth of those waters, as we so often do.
Fast forward a year and a half...
And I have figured out the marriage issues that cause struggles during international assignment.

It is not the distance, the time apart or mistrust that gets you, though these are very real and add to the tenseness of the issue at hand…it is indeed the disconnect. The living of two different lives; finding no time for each other.

When my Dad goes to camp for two weeks. 

He goes to camp. 

It is a dry camp. No alcohol.

No leaving camp.

He works. 

He eats crappy cafeteria food, plays cards a few nights, watches tv a few nights and waits to go home. 

To his wife, to home cooked meals, to spend time with friends, to drive his vehicle...get to places, have some freedom. 

Camp life for him is a trap.  

Home is his life.

When my husband is away on international assignment.

He is away for 7 weeks.

He has a whole other life…

He is offered the best food, they have a chef and provide all types of international cuisine.

His work days he is surrounded by people with high regard for him, he was seconded to this role for a reason. He is the 'go to' guy. 

He spends his evening with friends; men and women who are dressed up to go out on the town.

He is at Basketball 3 nights a week.

He drives to town for pizza and beer.

Spends his weekends at the club.

Nights of Hotels.

Karaoke.

Housewarming parties.

Days of Golfing.

Beach VolleyBall.

Quading.

Exploring enchanting Islands

Deep Sea Fishing.

...all the grown up things we have never had time for. 

Prior to this assignment we were not financially capable...

and now, my days are filled with kid schedules and playing catch up. These are the days he 'falls into' when he is home...

It makes him angry when I recount it like this.

He will argue that he doesn't have a prize life full of fun and games out there.

He has long and stressful work days 

and spends much time worrying about us here.

Spends much time talking with his friends about the life they are missing out on at home.

Misses his children very much.

And still...

He is home for two weeks.

To our craziness.

A messy house 

unruly kids 

wild schedules...

And he 'gets through' the two weeks 

Until he can go back to the space where there is time for him.

A space that does not exist for Me.

While I was at A Parent Meeting for High School, planning our oldest Baby's future

Derek was going to the bar for Pool Games and Beer with his single buddy, celebrating his recent Divorce.

While I was registering our son for basketball camp and football

Derek was heading out for Pizza and Beer.

While I plan a weekend of juggling schedules...cheer competition and children's activities

Derek is paying for hotels so he can go golfing early and head out for his day of quadding.

While I am shovelling, taking out garbage, paying bills, responding to emails from our son's teacher in regards to how he is acting out more than usual

Derek is suntanning, heading to house warming parties for their newest recruits and missing calling us 'cause he slept in from being out far too late the night before... 

This is the reality I live. And it sucks.

I don't wish anything less for him. I promise I do not. 

I am truly and honestly glad he has a life there. 

I am glad he is able to do all the things he wishes to.

I don't wish anything less for him. 

I only wish all the fun things in life weren't without us, without Me.

I keep going  over in my head how we will survive the extension he will inevitably sign…Financially, neither of us can see a different option.

And I know he isn't prepared to give up the role there quite yet; I know he has other plans for his career, that he is counting on stepping stones from there... 

So here we are…stuck again. And it breaks my heart.

I am lonely, and I miss my husband. I miss an 'us'. 

I wish he wanted me the way I want him (which, Dear Me, is a whole other rant) 

And I struggle with how we can always be on such opposite ends of this 20 yr life together.

And I wonder if this is our 'death', like a slow, painful cancer, it continues to drag out until the inevitable takes hold...and what we had is no more...