Does Divorce Know Me Best?

“Because nobody else knows you as well; the real you, like I do.”

Negativity. Moodiness. Full of Conflict and Very Difficult…

Is that really me, the me I let nobody else see?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So often I am immensely grateful for the eyes of those who love me. They see past my flaws. They see past my inequities. And they see the good in me. Of me. They see a beautiful reflection of me that I pray to live up to so many days.

My bathroom has a huge mirror.

It takes up most of the wall. It makes it difficult to miss anything.

And if you walk in that room you are forced to look. Forced to see all of you.

Divorce is like that.

An unforgiving mirror of reflection of the very worst of you!

Every. Single. Piece.

But it doesn’t stop with the exterior. It goes way past all that skin deep shit. It gets to the inner core. Where you might really find ugly. Ugly in a way you didn’t even know existed. Ugly in a way you didn’t want to know you could be.

I hate those mirrors.

Both of them.

The bathroom mirror,

Because it reminds me of all I am not.

Not young

Not at all beautiful in the way I wish I could be.

That damn big mirror reflects every flaw.

The greying hair.

The bags under my eyes.

Dog Jowls  (Dear me, Zeus and I will soon be twins)

The random pimples that have decided to help me relive my youth (def not the way I was hoping)

My sagging breasts; three breast fed kiddos, aging, and gravity are def not my friend in that area. Ugh

The flabby arms

My growing soft belly

Large legs

Dear Lord, the list goes on…

I see it every day.

Reflecting from that big ol' bathroom mirror.

I wonder often if it’s another’s opinion and reflection that I will continually see…

But Ugh, how I hate that thing.

The mirror of divorce provokes an image of something even more ugly however.

The internal ugly.

All that I hoped never to be.

I was mean in my anger.  Still am too many days.

**I tried to turn His new feelings into ‘nothing’. Tried to take away from him what he would not give to me. His Hope.

I was catty in my hurt. And that often still controls me.

**I made the whole situation so much worse with my bitterness. I lashed out and hurt everyone in the crossfire. Irrevocable damage.

I was uglier than I thought possible; my thoughts, my feelings…

I am so sorry…

I was left broken.

And my pieces;

They just don’t fit back together quite right.

I’m still trying to figure out that puzzle.

I gave up for a while.

And my babies saw a side of me that I wish they didn’t see.

I let our world collapse around me, around us.

And we are all still feeling those effects.

Keeping your head above water when the storm is still circling; still threatening to pull you under…Treading water for so long; It’s exhausting.

I am trying so hard now to pull myself out, but I fear the effects of my exhaustion are permanent.

The damage so deep that each of us may never breathe just right again…

My divorce is the ugliest reflection of me.

But thankfully, tomorrow is another new day.

And I’ll fake it ‘til I make it.

How? By borrowing the fabulous reflection of all those who love me!

Thank you. I am so grateful.