Incomplete Is Better Than a Fail...

At 38, I woke up one morning and realized...

I'm old. (Well, older ;) lol) 

Single.

Uneducated.

Unemployed and 

A Mom of Three.

A scary picture...

My marriage failing; it hurt.

Deep. Too deep.

I've lost my balance, 

and the worst part of it all

is not losing him...

It's losing me.

It's destroyed who I thought I might be

and I'm left wondering

where do I go from here?

Who am I?

It's been a time of reflection and some fairly harsh self examination.

I have realize two things (among others) about myself.

1) I am an instant gratification kind of girl.

This may not always be a bad thing

But it is a rant all of its own; I will delve into this one day...

2) The first makes me a quitter.

If I don't see quick results, I fret and over think and I eventually give up...

Let me tell you a little about this;

I have this dream in which I am a very successful Photographer...

I am a Loving Wife, the Perfect Mom, I bake and clean

and in my spare time

I blog and tweet about this fabulous career that I am so very efficaciously pursuing...

It is a fantastic dream...

The reality...

My photography course remains unfinished,

my photog tools remain unused,

my husband left me

My children are tired of the cranky, miserable me

and my time is spent doing everything but what I need to to aide in my success...

I procastinate...I justify to myself that I am just too busy,

the kids take too much of my time,

it is selfish of me to be pursuing what I want when they are so young and need me to be there for them...

Am I there for them when in bed feeling terribly about all that I am not?

Excuses, excuses...

I harbor such fear of failure

that I do not give myself the time and or tools I need to complete anything...

As Kelly Clarkson would say

♪ ♫ I never stray too far from the sidewalk

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt ♪ ♫

I allow myself the luxury of leaving things undone so as not to feel the devastation of failing at them...

An incomplete is not the same as a fail, is it?

But I'm failing anyway.

Sadly, from trying, from not trying.

End result.

A fail.

It's hard, exhausting in fact

But I can no longer hide on the safe side...

I will find the motivation...

Join me on my journey of self discovery...

a journey to my 'road not taken'...

where I can truly be me

and no longer hide behind the facade of what should be...

It is ok to be the less than perfect version, isn't it...

As long as I am truly trying?

I hope so...

'Cause here goes ;)