The Least Negative Impact

We have agreed that our friendship, no fighting, provides the least negative impact.

Sharing space for now.

He is again my partner in the day to day.

Chauffeuring kiddos

Watching movies.

Cooking, and eating, together.

Cleaning together.

Painting together.

Putting ‘our’ home back together, together.

Shopping for his new space, together.

Each day I’m grateful for the ‘peace’.

That we are able to be civil, kind even, and friendly.

That this is not the ugly divorce that so many drag themselves through.

Each day I hope and pray that this truly is the least negative impact.

But I know it’s confusing.

It’s confusing to me.

And the babies, well, I hope one day they understand.

But now…

They’ve asked, “If you want to do everything together and there’s no fighting, why can’t you just be together?  Why don’t we just stay together?”

Bri is avoiding the house.

Jords left for a week and has since decided to be out with friends, or is found hiding in his room.

Miss KJ is so thrilled to have Daddy home, but is so very torn at nighttime. “Mom, can’t you just lay with Dad and I. Please? Just until I fall asleep?” “Can we have a family hug?” And then there’s the bed hopping. “I want to sleep with Dad; I want to sleep with you.” We think it’s easiest on her, that this separation of lives has been her norm; that she will know this is ‘just the way things are’. But she feels it. She knows too. And it’s breaking my heart.

Yet I just smile and say, “it’s so much nicer this way.”

And it’s true.

It will be.

That we can be friends and make decisions for them without a fight.

That we can share space and be ok.

One day it’ll be ok.

There will be graduation (all too soon) and weddings and grandbabies.

And we will share in our babies’ achievements.

We will share their joy.

Choices for the least negative impact today will reflect in years to come.

So today...

I try and understand, as he needs all new furniture and all new provisions for his brand new life.

I smile through gritted teeth as we spend the money, knowing full well how much I will be struggling in just a few short months.
I hide my tears while he seems oblivious.

I know he deserves this chance to start over.

Find his happy.

Aug. 3 we will no longer share space.

He will have his new beginning.

We will have our separate lives after much drawn out time and drama.

He will pay his legal requirement without a fight.

The maximum, not minimum. No argument.

He doesn’t want to argue over dollars and cents.

He wants the least negative impact as much as, if not more than, I do.

The kids and I will remain together in our home.

We will fight through our day to day. And we will be ok.

Because we will still be together.

We will struggle through the logic of least.

But the emotion of it all still hurts. Has hurt. Will hurt.

Logic or not, that will, as always, leave the biggest impact.