The Least Negative Impact! {Part ii}

This is what we’ve agreed upon.

That’s what our 20 years of life together have been reduced to.
The least negative impact for our three babies.
The least negative impact on each of our worlds.

We’ve been to the lawyer.  We’ve talked the basics of dollars and cents.

Reduction of our 20 yr marriage to dollars and cents.

Definitely the most devastating feeling I have ever experienced.

Like a brick on my chest, I was left struggling for air.

But we are here...
And even our legal notes now state that one common interest...
the least negative impact!

“She wants to keep the house”

“That’s quite common in divorce these days. Especially if she will continue to provide the children’s primary residence. Can she afford it?”

Their legal answer. “It’s doable”

But the truth

The real answer is no. I cannot.

We both know it.

We all know it.

But I will do everything in my power to keep things as normal as possible.

Perhaps We will have to revisit it in a year.

And I will pray that by then the kids have become accustomed to our separate lives enough that, if it comes to it, the selling and separation of ‘stuff’ just won’t matter.  

But this home, right now, they are still attached to.  The counselor describes it as Jordan’s ‘safety net’. It’s where he sees us all together and therefore does not want to let go.

So I will hold on.

As long as I can.

I’m scared to death.

But more afraid of pulling that net.

I’m so very afraid of all the emotional fall out.

There’s already been so much. Too much.

I’ve held on for a while. To too many things. 

Most of which I’ve had to let go of in the end anyway… 

But I will fight for this.

*****

The lawyer was kind today.

He told me to give myself more credit.

That I'm apologetic in my claim to be all emotion and no logic. But I should not apologize for being me. And even though I may feel as though that proverbial squirrel exists in my day to day, I am clearly focused and driven when it comes to my main goal.

The least negative impact.

The best for my babies.  

He gave me credit for looking out for the best interest of all parties involved. Stating that I may be all about emotion and relationships, but it seems that having that as my driving factor is no less valid than the dollar and cents and logic that so many stick to. That I have this mess all figured far better than I thought, far better than many at this stage.

BIG Thanks to that darling man today.

He renewed the strength of an emotional mess.

Maybe I can do this.

My way

And maybe just maybe my way is going to be okay.

BIG BREATH!