We are so much more than our mistakes...

I awoke in the middle of the night a few days ago in a cold sweat.
I had been dreaming
and they were unpleasant dreams
The details are not important...

What is important is this...
I awoke and I rolled over looking at the empty side of the bed
His side of the bed
With an expectation of comfort
And it was not to be found
He was not to be found
And I missed him there...

And at that moment I realized that
through all of our mistakes
through his most recent mistake
None of it has changed the fact that I love my husband.

I love him for who he is
And that means letting go of who he is not

I have to believe that our mistakes do not define us
Lord knows I do not want mine to define me.

I miss the man who has laid next to me at night and held me when I hurt
I miss the man I have awaken to for 19 plus years
The man who helps to plan our days

I miss him in my days
Standing side by side in the kitchen
Sharing dinner
Sitting with me on the couch
Watching movies
My shopping partner
My picture hanging helper
My partner in the democracy (and dictatorship) of parenting
My friend.
My lover
My everything

These things have been missing for a while
And they are ever-present in their void
Even more so now than before

I had hoped the anger would dismiss the empty
It does not
In fact, quite the opposite

I am over the angry
We have spent far too many years being angry about what had happened
I have spent far too much time agonizing About what was missing
So much that I hardly remembered to be joyful
about what was there
About all the fabulous moments in between

{Hindsight is indeed 20/20}

I miss those
I miss him

Because he is not this mistake

He is so much more...

He has always been our family's provider, our huckleberry, my friend.

"One of the happiest moments ever is when you feel the courage to let go of what you can't change"

He is not this one mistake
We are both so much more than our mistakes

And I love him
And I want him to come home.
To us
To me

I know that we are done. My heart holds on...

***
We're working on being friends
Trying to be kind to each other.

I'm Crossing my fingers for a future
without the hurt of the past